The Royle Family (erzi57tbzha7313qqeel (LORES))The Royle Family (erzi57tbzha7313qqeel (LORES)) © Copyright

Make Christmas great again

I am no Scrooge, but I want to vent about everything that annoys me about Christmas in 2016. 

If you’re in your twenties especially, most Christmas-related stuff is simply rubbish. 

Christmas crackers are weird: the jokes are bad, the hats are dumb, and the toys completely pointless. Christmas dinner is pretty cool, but like, if turkey was that good you’d eat it all year. Christmas films (except for Bad Santa) are rubbish, Christmas TV (except for The Office and two of the Royle Family Christmas specials) is rubbish, and Christmas music (except for the synths on Wonderful Christmas Time) is rubbish. 

The Royle Family (erzi57tbzha7313qqeel (LORES))

Another thing that annoys me is spending the entire day trapped in the house. Nothing’s open, I actually get on OK with my family but our coping strategy has become to treat it like a normal weekend: we play non-Christmas music we like, we watch stuff recorded on the TV, play footy with Hindu mates, or watch basketball, whatever really: anything to fill the 14-16 waking hours and avoid being bombarded with the fact it’s Christmas. 

Not convinced? Here are some more terrible things:

1. Christmas cards with attached photocopied letters about how Wendy went part-time at work, Sarah did well in her AS Levels and passed her driving theory test, and young Tim has already scored four tries for the u14s this season. 

2. Christmas versions of everything. Why do I want Christmas beer? Normal beer is fine. 

3 The fact that the Christmas versions of everything always smell of spices. What’s that all about? 

More annoying than Christmas itself is the fact you’re bombarded with the fact that it’s Christmas well before it actually is Christmas. And what actually is there to get excited about? 

It’s all tradition, yeah, yeah, yeah. But whose? When the working day ends, I like doing different things to the person sitting next to me. The person I stood next to on the train this morning probably likes different food to me. I like different TV programmes to my cousins, and all of that stuff is fine, completely normal. 

Yet at Christmas, we’ve all got to do the same thing. You could choose to do pretty much anything you want on Christmas Day, but instead you have to do a load of bait, normcore stuff. And all the adverts tell you how. But nobody’s ever seen anybody else’s Christmas, because we’re all trapped in our houses. So it’s dictatorial guesswork. Whatever! 

I am not 8-years-old and I don’t have kids, so in order to enjoy Christmas I have two options. The first is to infantilise: get an advent calendar, buy a Christmas jumper and wait for Santa to come down the chimney. The other (my usual approach) is to eat, drink and fall asleep, which is fine, but I feel like I’ve been doing that for a while now, and to be honest, I can do that any weekend I like. 

It’s time for something new. 

So, if you are still reading this, have a think about my revised format for Christmas, which I’ve borrowed from music marketing. 

Remember when Radiohead released In Rainbows unannounced? Well if not, don’t worry, basically what they did was announce on the day their album came out that it was going to be released; they let listeners pay what they wanted for it and it was fantastic. But that’s not the important thing, my point is: the album was a massive surprise, so everyone was stoked. Since then, it’s become a more common thing to do, partly because it reduces the risk of piracy, but also because nobody likes a tiresome marketing campaign for a product that cannot live up to its hype. The music industry realised it had to chill the f**k out. 

This is where Christmas comes back in. Instead of being bombarded by multiple, concurrent, ad campaigns; instead of loads of noise about Santa and Christmas parties and 4K TVs, and Boxing Day sofa sales, I suggest that we elect some sort of Christmas panel, and then rush-release Christmas, on a date unannounced until the night before. That day can still be known as Christmas Eve if you like, and basically everyone gets a WhatsApp or a text and everyone in the whole world will be so hyped that it’s Christmas tomorrow. There won’t be time to buy turkey or rubbish presents, everyone gets the day off (kids get a fortnight), everyone is nice to one another, and I never have to see a f**king Coca Cola advert in October again. 

You in? Sounds sick, right? 

Are you in the mood for something different this Crhistmas? Try our tasty and healthy recipe for an alternative Crhistmas dinner - Twist-mas dinner


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