Chabuddy G hands together for FS magazine cover photoshoot ()Chabuddy G hands together for FS magazine cover photoshoot () © Copyright

Chabuddy G's guide to life

“V-I-P” says Chabuddy G, pointing at the laminated sign. “Very Important Pervert.” Powerful confidence emanates from him as he strides across the stiletto-scarred red floor. We are in a West London strip club that is one of the capital’s biggest (by square footage), and certainly one of the most affordable. It’s hard not to be immediately drawn to Chabuddy G, the effervescent alpha male in his natural habitat.

You know him as the manager of Kurupt FM and star of BBC Three’s People Just Do Nothing. He’s the business brains behind the raw talent of grime MCs Grindah and Beats, DJ Steves, producer Decoy and virtuoso pianist Phantasy. In the space of three years, he’s led them from broadcasting out of Steve’s nan’s flat in Brentford to a collaboration with Ed Shearer.

In the time we spent with him, Chabuddy shared his wisdom on everything from sex, power and money to fashion, Brexit and emotions. In this era of international strong men, who better
to guide you through life than the Mayor of Hounslow himself? He’s got more businesses than Trump, more aggression than Putin and more girth than King Kong.

Gracing our June cover, Chabuddy G has written an exclusive guide to life. Here's a taster, on the house... 

 

Many people come to me for love advice as I am the Brown Casanova aka 50 Shades of Brown. The most important part of a relationship is dirt – make sure you have enough dirt on your partner so they never even dream of leaving you or cheating on you.

It’s like the Cold War, you both have your missiles pointed at each other, just waiting, always under constant threat. It keeps the relationship sexy, fresh, dangerous, and it’s a really intense way of keeping the passion alive.

I tried to use this technique on my Polish ex-wife, Aldona, but being from eastern Europe, she was wise to the Cold War tactic, and she flipped it on me and actually ended up robbing, leaving, and cheating on me. The big three – I kind of respect her for it, the beautiful evil whore! 

Everyone thinks bars and clubs are the best places to meet women. This isn’t true, the best place to meet women is actually the Job Centre. I like a woman who’s desperate, it works to my advantage, she’s run out of options, she’s fed up, she’ll take anything she can get and then BAM! That’s where I come in.

You get all types of women at the Job Centre: exotic foreigners who can’t speak English very well (loads of raunchy Romanians); council estate mums (very sassy, my personal favourite); and even posh, snobby women. Daddy has cut off their allowance, this is your chance to be their new sugar Daddy, but with less money. Artificial sweetener daddy, if you will. 

 

I am Alan Brown Sugar, so I know a few things about power and earning respect. I am a complete hustler baby, I can sell ice to an eskimo, and curry to a racist! 

It’s important to let your business partners/rivals know that you’re a pretty tonk dangerous geezer. For example, when I have a business meeting, instead of a handshake I always pretend to punch them but never connect.

This looks like a bit of friendly geezer banter but I have just displayed breathtaking speed and power. After this, the negotiations are always smoother.

Selling is all about confidence! You have to believe in what you’re selling even if you don’t. To be a great salesman, you must be a great liar. But it’s a beautiful lie. You’re selling them happiness, fake happiness, but it’s still happiness.

It’s like when I go to the strip club, we all know it’s a lie, she doesn’t fancy me, I don’t love her, but we’re all caught up in this beautiful lie. Plus I get to see tits, so… win win.  

  

I am very experimental when it comes to fashion. I will try anything, I’m a fashion whore, my legs are open to all styles of garments. I might wear tracksuit bottoms with cowboy boots on and get braids, I’m mental mate! Never be afraid of switching or mixing up your styles.

Be free with your fashion, dress like a blind man with the confidence of a gazelle. I was actually the first man to wear a frilly shirt with women’s boots on the high street. People were staring 

at me in awe. Some laughing, taking pictures. They loved it. I’m a trail blazer; a fashionista… I am legend. 

Grooming is also very important! I see so many hipster weirdos walking around in their tight jeans with massive Gandalf beards. That is gross mate! That beard is filled with food and human shit, literally! Women have been brainwashed into thinking this is a sexy look, it isn’t!

What you need to do is grow a sensual moustache, it’s timeless, and it tickles her in all the right places ;) First you get the ’tache, then you get the cash, and then you get the gash! Scarface isneet.

This is just a taster, but for more lessons in success, go grab a copy of FS magazine from all good newsagents, supermarkets and Sports Direct stores.

Chabuddy G on the cover of FS magazine June 2017 ()

Photos: Hamish Brown

Illustrations: Chris Barker

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