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The Hail Mary

Five treatments if you need to take drastic action.

Elipse Laser Nail Fungus Removal

Where? London Cosmetic Clinic 

Who? Gershon Portnoi 

How much? From £100 per session

The treatment I’m one of those men that takes time to get stuff done. And that stuff includes sorting out things that are wrong with my body. As a keen runner, I’ve had a nail fungus for more years than I can remember, but I’ve never bothered to do anything about it because I was too busy. Once, the nail fell off. And then it grew back and it was still fungal. Ah well. I was only too happy to give this treatment a go. 

If, like me, you think laser treatment is what happens to James Bond when he’s lying on a table and a red line starts rushing towards his crown jewels, then we’re both wrong. You do lie down, but that’s as far as the similarities go. I was given a pair of dark glasses to protect me, then I shut my eyes and relaxed while the Ellipse laser did the business (you get your whole foot done just in case it has spread). It felt a bit like having a cold hairdryer blast the tips of your toes for around 15-20 minutes – not overly pleasant, but not unpleasant either. 

The results There were four treatments in total, but I already started seeing results after the first attempt which was impressive. It doesn’t hurt and it works. I’m sold.

IPL Hair Removal 

Where? Harley Medical Group, Harley Street

Who? James Charlton

How much? Four sessions of eyebrow hair removal costs £98

The treatment My monobrow is thick and mighty. Aged 15, I shaved it away; at 20, I plucked; by 23, I was nipping into shabby-looking salons and paying £5 to have my eyebrows threaded for special occasions. I jumped at the chance to try out laser hair removal. When the treatment came around, I was nervous. I know lots of women get it done in more sensitive areas, but women are a lot harder than me. I was deeply unsettled by the idea that someone dressed like an astronaut would be pointing a laser at my face and firing up the turbo booster.

I walked into my first appointment in a room that looked and felt like a hospital. I was given some tiny goggles and told to lie down. The Laserwoman applied a cold compress to my monobrow area. Then she pointed and clicked. There’s a rumble of machinery and individual zaps. A flash of bright light followed by a pin prick feeling on your forehead. You feel each hair get obliterated. I had four sessions, spaced three or four weeks apart. Appointment two wasn’t so nice. A different Laserwoman ratcheted up the power and I swear I could smell a bit of burning.

The results At the end of the cycle, my monobrow was no more. A couple of months on, it hasn’t quite returned but some hairs definitely have. They recommend eight sessions, which would cost £168.

Teeth Whitening 

Where? Beauty and Smile, 2 Wimpole Street, London 

Who? Su-San Sit

How much? £79*

The treatment Beauty and Smile claim to turn your coffee-stained nashers into pearly whites that are up to 10 shades lighter. They apply hydrogen peroxide gel to your teeth and use a controlled Blue light to activate it. The whole treatment takes an hour, with 40 minutes dedicated to just lying back while the light works its magic.

The results My teeth were noticeably whiter as soon as the treatment was done. For something you only have to repeat every three years, it’s great value. The process is simple: the most difficult part is sitting in the chair for 40mins with your lips held open with a clamp. Make sure you have your phone or some reading material at the ready.

Colonic Irrigation

Where? EF MEDISPA, St John’s Wood, London 

Who? Thomas Byrne

How much? Colonics start from £125 per treatment, then £90 thereafter. A course of three colonics – including 30 mins reflexology – is £270

The treatment Eat well, shit strongly, and you need have no fear of death. If you believe the Catalans, there are two reasons I should fear death. Luckily, Michelle Sadiq has come into my life just in time. I’m at the EF Medispa for colonic irrigation – a chance to reset my digestive system. Great. The process to achieve that: invasive. But it’s 2016. I’m man enough to try.

Michelle sits me at one end of a small, white room. Opposite me is an en suite area, sans door. To my left is a bed. At the foot of that is a device with motors and tubes and canisters attached to it. Michelle explains the process. Her knowledge – she has
12 years’ experience – is reassuring. She tells me to relax as much as I can. “If you feel something going, let it go.”

It’s time. Relax. Michelle instructs me to change into a blue gown that is open at the back. Ominous. Relax. I lie, legs akimbo,
a towel protecting my modesty from myself, but not from Michelle. Relax. I roll into the foetal position. Now the insertion. Relax. “We’ve got plenty of lube.” Good. Breathe. Relax. I’ve been breached. Breathe. It’s in.The probe nestles around an inch and a half inside my rectum. Michelle allows my anal cavity to fill with water, which feels like the opposite of going. The sensation builds. At my command, Michelle flicks a switch and out the water washes. Relief.

Michelle flips her focus from hose duty to massaging my abdomen, kneading the tension in my small intestine. “You’re really producing now!” Relax. Breathe.This pumping/kneading rotation continues for around 45 minutes. By the end, I’m more comfortable with the set-up and sensation, but I’ve had enough. Into the en suite to wash up. One swipe. Cleaner than ever! That’ll be the lube.

One session won’t work wonders, but it’s a start. There’s a brain in the gut and we have to look after it. An irrigation every four weeks and you really benefit, Michelle tells me. She dispenses dietary advice: eat breakfast, drink more water, avoid processed foods. I promise to try.

I leave the spa with a spring to my step. Just as well, since Michelle told me I need to stay close to a toilet that afternoon. I don’t want to shit myself on the first day of the rest of my gastrointestinal life.

The results I felt some stinging, but unmistakably lighter in the bowel, and unafraid of death. It was worth it.

Vitamin IV Drip

Where? Drip & Chill Lounge, Canary Wharf

Who? Zoe Birdsall

How much? £250

The treatment Following in the steps of Simon Cowell and Kim Kardashian, I jumped at the chance to have a personalised concoction of vitamins and minerals pumped into my blood. This is not for the squeamish, though. A trained clinician inserts a needle into a vein in your arm, and swaps this for a cannula. I spy blood trickling down my arm. A pouch of liquid is then pumped into you, which takes about 10 minutes.

The results I didn’t really see any noticeable results. I did get an amazing night’s sleep, though. I was told just before the treatment that for ongoing results, like building up your immune system, more regular treatments are needed. But at £250
a pop, I’ll stick to my vitamin tablets for now.


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